Can I hold onto a dream for more than a year? I used to watch in awe as people dedicated decades to a dream because I couldn’t comprehend that level of commitment. As I progress on this pilgrimage to ‘know thyself’ I find my compass rarely points in the same direction twice. A steadfast mindset backed by a motivational pull towards a goal is something that has weakened after a small window of momentum. I’m changing every single day and I believe that without question. It’s not something I’m afraid of; I’m actively doing the work to improve myself for the purpose of self-enjoyment. I want to be the best version of myself for… myself. I’ve earned it. So as I ebb and flow through this bog of unpredictability I have to wonder if I will find a Lamb direction I can see through to the end?
I’m a lover of the daily journal and I’ve written about it before. I picked up my travel journal from a year ago to turn to a fresh page for some note-taking. Whilst paging, a beautiful word caught my eye – Inverness. The entry was dated 22 March 2019 – Inverness, Scotland. I remembered that day vividly. I truly believe it changed my life because the emotion I feel seeing that entry and even thinking about it now is undeniable. It’s honest in its intention and I feel it wants me to waver. It wants me to take a second look.
22 March, by the river in Inverness, Scotland
“Have I just found my new home? It sure feels like it. Is this the future that I have been dreaming of? I don’t want to get my hopes up. There seems to be this need to just get myself over here. Would I be happy here? I think so. The dog, the cottage, the job, the quiet. Does it all seem possible? It feels that way. There is life on the hills. There is life that I have never felt. But it makes me feel alive. There is little that makes me feel so alive. I give myself another year in Korea. A year to enjoy and live fully. Then it is time to return to Scotland. Or the UK. To live out my dream. Is this the first proper glimpse into my future? It’s up to me to do it properly. To make sure that it can happen. The world is mine. The world is mine for the making.”
I’ve always written this way; the constant stream of questions and it seemed like I was asking myself what it was that I was feeling. It’s strange because I can still connect with those emotions right now as I sit in my apartment across the world. This is uncommon for me. I often read a journal entry and feel a level of recognition of my former self but not a mirrored emotional response. I feel truly connected to my former self for the first time in my life.
A Journal Exercise I Recommend
Flip back in your journal to the same month you’re currently in but from a year ago. Read one or two entries and then allow free thought for a few minutes.
Questions I ask myself:
Do you feel like you’re reading an immature version of yourself?
Do you feel like “they don’t understand” anything?
Do you feel shame?
Do you feel disheartened because your former self was in a better place?
Have you made peace with yourself from a year ago?
This exercise helps you understand where you currently stand in relation to where you were a year ago. If you feel any negative feelings towards your former self – ask yourself why. Let go of the shame. Embrace it and move on. We cannot keep shaming ourselves for our behavior during a time of healing. Forgive yourself for the state you were in before and celebrate the state you’re in now.
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Keep journaling and checking in with you. We put too much pressure on others to help us and look after us when it’s us that should be putting in the work. If there was anything that could be labeled a ‘worthwhile investment’ it’s you.