Sorry, folks. I have been absent from this series for a few weeks because I’ve been trying to get my life into some sort of order. I’ve just started studying again, I had a visa application from hell, I’m still working full-time and I’m packing up my life here in Korea. I’ll be back, of course, cause I’m not done with this country but I need to move out of my current flat. Here’s the thing, I’m good at a lot of stuff but I’m also bad at a lot of shit too. I was having this epiphany when it occurred to me that it would make a great blog post. So, here we are.
Realizing you’re not all that – you suck
In my early twenties, I had such plans. I wanted to be larger than life and I wanted to stick out. Naturally, instead of laying great foundations I just drank a lot and wasted time. That’s not to say that I didn’t work hard and have great times but it was mainly just about having fun. You see I also had no clue what I wanted to do. My strengths pointed towards business crap and managerial positions but in all honesty, I wanted nothing to do with any of that. I just didn’t know it back then.
I suck at letting things go and just simply admitting things to myself. This blog, for example, is literally the epitome of explaining my thought processes. Whenever this blog gets a little bigger I stop posting on it. Whenever I start to get a bit of notoriety and interaction – I become inactive. A troll ruins my day and I just shut down. I’m good at the writing and the picture taking but I literally run away from the other side of things – the dealing with people side. I want to share my creativity and my truth but I don’t want to deal with the backlash or the insults. That means that I suck at blogging.
I still share on here because when I don’t post for a while I get messages asking for content or I simply miss sharing content, but I know I would never do it to its full extent because I don’t want to deal with all that other stuff. There’s a bunch of unread mail moved to trash asking me to do affiliate links and PR stuff but it’s just not what I want to do. I don’t want to deal with that mountain. And that’s OK.
It’s a tough pill to swallow
It wasn’t an easy journey to realizing the above because I had to admit that I sucked at something. I had to admit that I didn’t have what it takes but there is also freedom in learning something about you. You release that thing that has been hanging over you and you just let it be. After learning this about myself things began to shift and I started to discover new avenues that I wanted to go in. Things opened up for me and for the first time in years I began to get excited about the future of my professional life.
Taking space from things you feel you SHOULD do creates room for the presence of something you actually WANT to do. When did admitting our faults become such a taboo thing? I hate to think of the lifetimes of happiness it’s stolen. Just because you’re built like a meathead it doesn’t mean you have to take the route of utilizing it for the rest of your life.
Self-reflecting as you get older
I sometimes feel that my 23-year-old self would be disappointed in me. She would want me to be doing ‘more’. I know she’d be screaming at me for turning down so many opportunities that would’ve brought me more wealth or fame. She wouldn’t have gone through what I’ve gone through in the last 6 and a half years. She wouldn’t know how much destruction that life would be on our mental health. I have to be at peace with the understanding that she wouldn’t understand my choices. I can be at peace knowing that my choices were made for my own happiness and well-being.
I run a debate class at my current job and our latest topic was “Is education the only way to find success?” One of my students used her father in her argument:
“My father is a firefighter. He is happy being a firefighter and because of that, he is successful.”
She was the teacher that day because she had me thinking and pondering for hours after our lesson. Realizing you suck, putting that to bed and pursuing something you’re passionate about does indeed make you successful. It also makes you a lot happier and I choose a happy life.