Yes, I know my Countdown To 30 series was meant to be a podcast… Let’s just say a certain MacBook didn’t want to read a certain external microphone. Oh, such is life. I still really want to get this series out because I believe it has an audience and, it’s my life right now. It’s just a weird fucking time and I feel the rules are being rewritten; there is more freedom to create something different for yourself. None of us really know what we’re doing but it’s important to feel like you’re writing your own story while going through this. The panic often comes from the moment the steering wheel is taken from you. Take back ownership and revel in moving into this new chapter. With this ‘unwritten life’ there is no rulebook and you never quite know if you’re going in the right direction. I personally feel that sharing our truths will shed some of that doubt because hiding behind a perfect facade helps no one, least of all yourself.
This post will be dedicated to the changes in my body; I will go into the aging of the face in another post. That baby needs it’s own moment in the spotlight.
Do I still love my body?
To give you a bit of a backstory, I was a sports nut in school and I was always in shape. Fast forward to my early twenties and I’m thin but out of shape due to a continuous overindulgence in alcohol. Then, I found yoga and I enjoyed the leanness it gave my body and I felt better than ever. If you’ve been with me a while, you know I then got sick and started to hate my body. I got really thin and my muscles disappeared; I constantly felt weak. It was a VERY slow road to loving my body again and, of course, I wrote about learning to love my body again.
Do I still love my body? We have our days but for the most part, yes. It’s far from perfect but I’ve learned to change my mindset and appreciate what it does for me every day. I work long hours in a physically grueling job (kindergarten kids have too much energy), I hit the gym most days, I work on other projects in the evenings and I end off my nights with a bit of yoga. This body does a lot for me and I need to acknowledge that.
OK, but what are the changes in your body?
Can I eat the same things?
I still eat a lot, but not as much as I used to. If I have a binge-eating day (or weekend) my body will feel larger for a few days. Never used to happen; your girl used to smash pizzas four times a week and never feel a thing. If I don’t have vegetables and ‘good food’ for a few days I really feel it in my energy levels. It’s like junk food doesn’t hold any goodness? Who knew?
I need to balance my diet or I’ll end up feeling horrific. If I’m going to eat like an asshole for a few days, I need to have a few good days too. Processed shit and I just don’t get on as well as we used to. I’ve cut back on baked goods as well, I don’t deprive myself, but I limit my intake. My diet has changed dramatically and I still cringe at the day I started saying, “fuck, I’m really craving a salad.” It’s happened more than once and it’s real. The urge for goodness becomes real once you approach 30. If I eat badly, my energy levels drop and I feel like I’m chilling in a fog. I absolutely hate it.
I used to laugh at people who said something like “OMG, if I don’t drink 4 bottles of water a day I can’t function”. That’s literally me in 2018. If I haven’t had water in an hour, I act like I’ve been missioning in the desert for millennia. My tongue goes dry and I get an instant headache. The Lamb needs to be hydrated.
Are the rumors true about drinking at 30?
Hell fucking yes. Let me just tell you that I used to play sport after a night out and I want to know how in the witchcraftery did I do that? If I’m having a banger of a night (and yes, I still have them once in a blue moon) I cannot make plans for the next day. At all. Even if I have a couple of glasses of wine the night before, I don’t like the way I feel the next day. It’s like I’m not firing at all cylinders.
The entire drinking world doesn’t hold as much attraction as it used to. The sparkle has dulled and I’m not that interested in it anymore. I’m glad I feel this way and I’m still not trying to get into clubs every weekend. I would lose my job very quickly and my body would probably give out on me. Social drinking can be done without drinking. Wait, what? Yup. I can still be social without drinking and I think people need to realize this and stop taking happiness away from the following day for the sake of being social.
Does my body look different?
It looks better to me. The older I’ve gotten, the more feminine my body has become. I have more of a curve to my waist and I finally have more of a butt. It’s been a beautiful experience to relearn where my body stores fat. Picture the fat wanting to go on holiday, initially it frequented your hips but as time went on, it looked to your butt. I also gain weight quicker but I wasn’t too shocked when I learned that rumor was true. Don’t get me wrong, I still have a very quick metabolism but it’s not what it used to be. I do consume metabolism boosting foods in the hopes that it will help me out a bit. Also, still no boobs, but I’m not mad it. I gained weight once and the increase in my chest size made me feel uncomfortable. I’m much happier with my little babies, even if a lot of men don’t want me to be.
My muscle mass has also increased and I gain much quicker than in my early twenties. I do boil this down to healthier lifestyle choices and canceling out the bottles of vodka on weekends. My skin (on my body) is a different story because I have more imperfections for sure. I see more spider veins popping up on the daily and I don’t remember ever having this many sunspots. I recently went for a mole mapping and your girl thought she only had one or two. We were in there a while and I have them everywhere. If I could speak to my younger self – it would be to wear more sunscreen. I still struggle with my varicose veins but they don’t bother me as much as they used to. I’ve had one round of sclerotherapy and I’ll be going back in January for another round to try to fix them again. But, as I said, they don’t bother me as much and if it wasn’t so cheap to get them fixed in Korea, I would probably just leave them as is.
How do I feel about my body getting older?
I’m terrified because I’ve always been so active. Movement is everything to me and I get anxiety thinking about not being able to move as freely one day. I felt weakness when I was sick and it kept me up at night crying my eyes out. My body was betraying me and I felt this uselessness in self that frightened me. This fear still haunts me in regards to my age and I’m trying to work through it. I’m trying to get past it.
The other day, I was chilling watching Netflix and I saw an old person on the screen that was bedridden. I got this overwhelming anxiety and forced myself to practice an hour of yoga. The fear of immobility far outweighs any vanity aspect of getting older. Not being able to lift myself off the chair without groaning concerns me more than a few grey hairs. Hitting 30 makes me more aware of my growing years and my anxiety attached to this fear is triggered. I’m slowly working through this and acknowledging how much my body can do.
My final thoughts on body image
My butt is tighter than it was 10 years ago and my body can do so much more now. I’m stronger and leaner but more importantly, I feel amazing. Feeling healthy and energized has been my main focus when it comes to my body. I’ll take feeling great over a few aging ‘imperfections’ and I think that’s because I’ve experienced feeling weak. Once you understand what it’s like to not be able to do things with your body, you appreciate the feeling of strength and vitality. I got the most compliments on my body when I was at my most useless, it taught me that compliments on my outward appearance don’t compare to the compliments I give myself when I’m feeling powerful.
Learn to love your body in your own way and don’t be swayed into thinking you need to look a particular way. Your body is perfect because it belongs to YOU.